I can’t believe it’s already been 7 weeks since Elroy was born. Motherhood so far is all-encompassing and oh very complex that it’s hard to put into words. It’s as true as the clichés that you read about in magazines and books but also unlike anything that I expected.
The first few weeks were very surreal. Leaving Birth Care in the morning just a few hours after giving birth. It was about 7 in the morning and people were starting to come to work. I remember zoning out to the rest of the world and my focus on Elroy and getting him safely to the car. At Birth Care, I slept but not a very deep sleep despite being up all night. It’s like the mother’s instinct kicking in. I can sleep but not so deeply that I can’t be there for Elroy.
There have been many frustrating moments. I spent the first few weeks pouring through blogs documenting the first few weeks with a newborn. I made comparisons. I bought the Baby Whisperer’s book trying to find a way to give structure to our days. When it didn’t work, I got mad. I remember sobbing in the middle of the night after attempting to put Elroy to bed for 2 hours and failing. Motherhood is a cliche in that it is really hard as everyone says. I was doing well as everyone said. 90% of the time I was calm and collected. But the remaining 10% is full of self doubt, guilt, and frustration. I’m getting a lot more help than everyone else with my mom staying. How am I going to cope alone?
Then somewhere in the next few weeks, things got better. It’s like Elroy and I got to know each other. We somehow figured out a nighttime routine that works for us. Feed, change diaper, feed, and rock quickly to sleep. It’s not easy getting up multiple times in the middle of the night, but at least now we know what to expect.
One of the most difficult aspects for me has been the lack of a schedule. I’m desperate for routine and structure. This is purely for selfish reasons so that I can schedule in things like exercise and coffee dates or even a trip to the store. I remember taking Elroy to the grocery store when he was only a week old because I selfishly wanted to leave the house. He was so uncomfortable in the car.
I’ve spent the majority of this week cooped up inside. The weather is beautiful but Elroy has a cold so I’m taking extra precaution and keeping him inside. This means I’m also stuck inside. It’s not easy, but a small sacrifice to put an end to the sniffles.
But one smile from Elroy makes everything worth it.